In Celebration of my 74th Birthday — 10 Things That Make Me Feel Old

In shock — How can I be this old?

1. People magazine’s Beautiful at Any Age. It usually stops at 70, except for Jane Fonda, who does happen to be older than I am. That’s where the resemblance stops. That woman has had some serious work.
2. The “what year were you born” thing on the computer. You know. You have to use the drop-down list to fill in your birth year, and the years below mine get to be fewer and fewer. Also, it takes forever to scroll down to 1945. Why can’t I just type it in? That would be a true kindness.
3. Falling for a computer scam. I’m on my laptop attempting to download a screen sharing program to get help from Intuit, when suddenly a loud noise is blaring, my screen locks up, and I’m told to call a number for Microsoft to fix it. I call, something the hackers expect folks my age to do. And I listen to the man with the Russian accent who tells me my entire home network has been hacked, every electronic device. Scary. When he claims he can fix it for me if I grant him access to my computer and it will cost $200 or maybe $2,000, I finally say no and resort to my solution for all technical issues by shutting my computer down. Yep, that works, but I feel pretty old for even talking to him.
4. Doctoring and maintenance. That’s my new hobby. My calendar is filled with appointments for the dentist who thinks I need a night guard to physical therapy for my neck to a recheck by the dermatologist to a pain clinic consult for my aching back to sessions with my personal trainer. Then for fun, I need frequent manicures and haircuts to maintain the illusion that 70 is the new 50. It’s not.
5. Wearing sensible shoes. Boring, but necessary. No more shoes with heels or cute boots for this girl. This is a real blow to a woman who is only five feet tall.
6. My oldest grandkid is sweet sixteen and my youngest started kindergarten. No more babies. No more stashes of diapers, kiddie toys, or pack and plays at my house. Well, that part may be a good thing, but the older ones tower over me, with the middles not far behind.
7. The block party where we earn the distinction of being the second longest occupants of a house in a two-block radius. Most of our neighbors are our kids’ ages or younger. When we moved in 45 years ago, we hoped the old folks would sell their houses to young families so our children could have more playmates. Now, we are those old folks.
8. My hands. They look like blue road maps. My younger grandkids marvel at the veins that stick up. Why are your hands weird, they ask? I have no answer other than I am old.
9. How long it takes to get ready for bed. This has become a real production making me long for the days of my youth when I washed my face, brushed my teeth, and hit the pillow. Now I add the following to the routine: face and under eye cream (no evidence either really works), Waterpik, special mouthwash, removal and cleaning of hearing aids, nighttime pills, medication to rub into my hallux rigidus bump on my big toe, cream on my hands and feet, socks because my feet are always cold, plugging in my phone to recharge, shutting down the computer, and soon putting in my night guard. All of this for a few hours of sleep before waking to use the bathroom.
10. Going to a program for seniors, looking like the youngest person in the room but realizing I’m in the right place. This was a sobering experience. I talked my husband into trying a lecture series at the community college. The presentation was okay but the audience was definitely old. At least I didn’t fall asleep, but it was shocking to realize this was where we fit in age-wise.

Oh well, age is just a number.

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